Jack - Letter One

Jack

I wish I could tell you this face to face. I'm sure it would be a lot healthier. Can't bring myself to though. It's too hard.

So I'm writing to you instead. You won't read this and that's fine. It's better that way. Maybe this way I'll be able to pretend that things are ok. Keep rhyming by accident.

I don't trust you. I wish I did. I guess things are still a little messed up in my head from what happened. I want to trust you I really do. The problem is, I keep trying to reassure myself by (I admit) abusing your privacy and I keep finding things that shake my trust even more.
And I can't even talk to my best friend about it, cos you ARE my best friend. I feel so isolated and alone. Sure I guess I could talk to Alice but... well I know it's partly my fault that I feel so shaken. I wish I could stop looking and stop finding things I don't want to but I just can't seem to.

I wish I didn't keep finding you joking about sex and things with your friends. I KNOW you don't mean it, that she has a boyfriend anyway and that you are just being stupid. And I know I do exactly the same kinds of things but... I guess part of the problem is that before you haven't been joking around. It makes me feel sick to find things like that still, knowing that our baby girl will be here soon and I'll have to keep pretending things are ok for her.

Pretending things are ok is a real habit of mine. I keep pretending that the way you are at the moment is ok with me and it's not. It's fueling this insecurity and making me feel so lost and alone.

That's the whole thing behind this. I feel so so alone, Jack. I know you're here in person but I worry you aren't in your heart. I need you to be all here. I need you to just know when I need you and be there are you're just not. Sometimes I feel like I could be absolutely crying my heart out, and as long as I was quiet you wouldn't even realise. I wish I knew how to express this to you but I'm so afraid of upsetting you. I hate making you angry with yourself because I know you don't mean to hurt me.

You're trying your goddamn hardest but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. Maybe nothing will ever be enough. Maybe I'll always feel like a hollow empty person who just can't stand to be alone. I'm afraid. Afraid of living the rest of my life like this. Afraid that one day you'll realise how broken I am. Afraid to be alone.
I don't know what to do. I wish someone would tell me.

I love you,

Vikkii