Jack - Letter Five

Jack,

I'm writing this with our baby girl on my lap. I'm seriously running out of time to bring it up to you. Bringing it up in a few weeks time would seem ridiculous.

I have to bring this up or let it go, but bringing it up is so difficult. How do I even begin to ask you about it? It's not something that's easy to bring up in the first place, not exactly a subject to bring up lightly either, especially since it's causing me so much pain.

I think the worst bit is that you're sat right across from me and yet I'm writing another letter to you instead of just bringing up the one thing that's been bothering me for over a week. It seems so cowardly that instead of talking about our issues I'm writing about them somewhere you'll never see them and never know that there's a problem.

And the thing about you not knowing is that you'll never be able to fix it. It seems so unfair to you. I know you, and if you knew that you'd hurt me you'd be trying your damnedest to fix it. Instead you're sitting across from me, completely oblivious playing Sonic Generations.

So I need to bring it up soon or forever hold my peace.

Love,

Vikkii

Jack - Letter Four

Jack,

So the baby's here. I can't stop crying and although most of it is definitely my hormones I know that what I know is still affecting me. But how can I bring something like that up to you when we're both sleep deprived looking after our new daughter. You're so great with her and so loving towards me.

So why can't I stop thinking about it. Why is it still eating me up inside? Why is it that when I saw she'd commented on your facebook status about our new little girl it made me feel sick on the inside? Why can't I just turn off and forget this?

... I don't know but I wish I could.

I need to either forgive and forget (again!) without mentioning it or talk about it with you. I know which would be easiest and I know which would be healthiest, unfortunately they aren't the same option.

So I have to decide and quickly.

Love,

Vikkii

Jack - Letter Three

Jack,

I'm going to write a quick note to you for real later. I need to talk to you for real and get all my feelings out for real. This is helping but I think we need to actually discuss the issue before it can get any better.

Having this little secret between us where I know but you don't know that I know is emphasising everything else in my life and making it seem much more important. I'm guessing that's probably why I spent an hour or so yesterday crying because the baby isn't here yet.

Yes I'm frustrated as hell of waiting and it does make me feel like I've failed when another day passes with contractions which eventually completely stop but that's not the only thing going on and what I found out is really making me feel horrible on the inside.

Like I said before, I KNOW you were joking and you didn't mean what you were saying but I still feel really betrayed by it. You know, at least I think you do, that things like that really get to me and that I really do struggle with my insecurity. I'm still rebuilding the trust we lost last time and this has probably postponed trust's recovery by quite a lot.

Saying that, telling you HOW I found out will probably harm your trust in me. I was after all looking through your private things. I just hope that you can understand why.

The thing with what I found is that now I keep finding myself wanting to look again. I haven't so far today and I'm really proud of that.

Love,

Vikkii

Jack - Letter Two

Jack,

I decided to talk to Alice and get her opinion. I can't just break up with you right now, no matter how much that got to me, I have more people than just me to think about. I guess if my Mum could cope for however many years and forgive then who am I to just break up our family.

It's still hard to see though. I find it painful that you would flirt with an ex girlfriend of yours. I tried to half bring up a couple of days ago but you didn't really talk about it. I didn't mention what I'd seen, just that I'd been feeling a little insecure.

Your reaction. Typical usual one. You threatened to go out and for once I didn't bother calling you on it. Sometimes I think you find it easier to just run away from things then actually facing up to them. Just like my Dad and look how well that's worked out for my Mum.

At some point I'll have to talk to you again. For the sake of our baby girl I don't want things between you and me going like they are now between my parents. I love you too. I know I just made it sound like a secondary thing but it really isn't. It's just that if it was me, loving you or not I probably wouldn't put up with what I found.

But I have more than one person to think about and she means the absolute world to me. It hurts that you would do this while I'm pregnant though, joking or not.

Love,

Vikkii

Jack - Letter One

Jack

I wish I could tell you this face to face. I'm sure it would be a lot healthier. Can't bring myself to though. It's too hard.

So I'm writing to you instead. You won't read this and that's fine. It's better that way. Maybe this way I'll be able to pretend that things are ok. Keep rhyming by accident.

I don't trust you. I wish I did. I guess things are still a little messed up in my head from what happened. I want to trust you I really do. The problem is, I keep trying to reassure myself by (I admit) abusing your privacy and I keep finding things that shake my trust even more.
And I can't even talk to my best friend about it, cos you ARE my best friend. I feel so isolated and alone. Sure I guess I could talk to Alice but... well I know it's partly my fault that I feel so shaken. I wish I could stop looking and stop finding things I don't want to but I just can't seem to.

I wish I didn't keep finding you joking about sex and things with your friends. I KNOW you don't mean it, that she has a boyfriend anyway and that you are just being stupid. And I know I do exactly the same kinds of things but... I guess part of the problem is that before you haven't been joking around. It makes me feel sick to find things like that still, knowing that our baby girl will be here soon and I'll have to keep pretending things are ok for her.

Pretending things are ok is a real habit of mine. I keep pretending that the way you are at the moment is ok with me and it's not. It's fueling this insecurity and making me feel so lost and alone.

That's the whole thing behind this. I feel so so alone, Jack. I know you're here in person but I worry you aren't in your heart. I need you to be all here. I need you to just know when I need you and be there are you're just not. Sometimes I feel like I could be absolutely crying my heart out, and as long as I was quiet you wouldn't even realise. I wish I knew how to express this to you but I'm so afraid of upsetting you. I hate making you angry with yourself because I know you don't mean to hurt me.

You're trying your goddamn hardest but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. Maybe nothing will ever be enough. Maybe I'll always feel like a hollow empty person who just can't stand to be alone. I'm afraid. Afraid of living the rest of my life like this. Afraid that one day you'll realise how broken I am. Afraid to be alone.
I don't know what to do. I wish someone would tell me.

I love you,

Vikkii