Mum,
Today I remembered why I never tell you anything. I can't trust that you won't go off and tell it to people who frankly have no business knowing. I told you that Dad had written to me and you completely went off on one.
... The way you always do.
That's the reason I choose to lie to you. I know you hate liars but I hate pointless confrontation - hate it when you talk Dad down to me. I don't agree with what he's done but I've had enough of listening to you talk about him behind his back. I've had enough of how vicious you are.
Vikkii
Tuesday 8 May 2012
Sunday 6 May 2012
Jack - Letter Eleven
Jack,
You're a shit, you know that. I asked you why you didn't tell Aimee the truth in the first place. I don't know what I wanted to hear but not what I did.
You said because you're a coward - you didn't want people to know that you'd hurt me again. What that basically means is you care more what Aimee Hills and Laura Fox think of you than what I think of you. It means you care more about what people THINK than you care about what I FEEL.
I don't know why I stay with you. I really don't.
Last night you wanted to talk but I'm tired of it. I didn't bother talking to you - I just took Tehya and went to bed. And guess what, you probably think it's all okay now. It's not. I don't know how to show you or tell you that things between us aren't ok but I wish you knew.
I wish you knew so maybe you'd try harder. Maybe you'd try to make it up to me like you did the first time. You didn't bother trying to make up for more than a day this time and I need you to TRY. Forgiving you now is hard and I really need to know you're working for my forgiveness and I don't feel like you are.
So TRY Goddamn it!! TRY to help me forgive you - stop taking it for granted that I will. Stop taking me for granted. Stop taking the fact I take care of Tehya for granted. Stop taking everything for granted or it WILL go.
I'm angry I'm hurting and I'm remembering the last week of my pregnancy. The time when everything should have been happy and I should have been preparing for Tehya. Instead I was hurting, knowing that once again you'd cheated. Once again you hadn't thought of how I'd feel. Once again you'd just gone on with what you were saying and not even had the balls to tell me.
Once again I felt like I didn't matter.
Vikkii
You're a shit, you know that. I asked you why you didn't tell Aimee the truth in the first place. I don't know what I wanted to hear but not what I did.
You said because you're a coward - you didn't want people to know that you'd hurt me again. What that basically means is you care more what Aimee Hills and Laura Fox think of you than what I think of you. It means you care more about what people THINK than you care about what I FEEL.
I don't know why I stay with you. I really don't.
Last night you wanted to talk but I'm tired of it. I didn't bother talking to you - I just took Tehya and went to bed. And guess what, you probably think it's all okay now. It's not. I don't know how to show you or tell you that things between us aren't ok but I wish you knew.
I wish you knew so maybe you'd try harder. Maybe you'd try to make it up to me like you did the first time. You didn't bother trying to make up for more than a day this time and I need you to TRY. Forgiving you now is hard and I really need to know you're working for my forgiveness and I don't feel like you are.
So TRY Goddamn it!! TRY to help me forgive you - stop taking it for granted that I will. Stop taking me for granted. Stop taking the fact I take care of Tehya for granted. Stop taking everything for granted or it WILL go.
I'm angry I'm hurting and I'm remembering the last week of my pregnancy. The time when everything should have been happy and I should have been preparing for Tehya. Instead I was hurting, knowing that once again you'd cheated. Once again you hadn't thought of how I'd feel. Once again you'd just gone on with what you were saying and not even had the balls to tell me.
Once again I felt like I didn't matter.
Vikkii
Tuesday 10 April 2012
Jack - Letter Ten
Jack,
You can be such a dick sometimes. You just don't think before you speak. You can say the most hurtful or offensive things and think that everything will be ok.
The more I write this blog the more I question you and me. Ironic really because I started writing it to try and keep us together when all I can feel is us falling apart.
I know I'm not nice to you either. The worst part is everything I say I mean. Like I really DON'T trust you with Tehya... not when I find you doing stupid things like playing a dropping game with a three week old baby. It's just stupid and dangerous. If you had dropped her...
Love,
Vikkii
You can be such a dick sometimes. You just don't think before you speak. You can say the most hurtful or offensive things and think that everything will be ok.
The more I write this blog the more I question you and me. Ironic really because I started writing it to try and keep us together when all I can feel is us falling apart.
I know I'm not nice to you either. The worst part is everything I say I mean. Like I really DON'T trust you with Tehya... not when I find you doing stupid things like playing a dropping game with a three week old baby. It's just stupid and dangerous. If you had dropped her...
Love,
Vikkii
Thursday 5 April 2012
Jack -- Letter Nine
Jack,
I'm slightly pissed off that you agreed to go to Stroud today for your work training course - I know you got tricked into signing for going to it but I wish you'd thought about how hard today would be looking after Tehya on my own. I wish you were stronger - found it easier to tell people that you don't want or can't do things.
If it helps - I don't know why I'm talking like you read this, you don't! - I'm also angry with your supervisor for tricking you into signing for it, especially considering you have a new baby daughter who's only two weeks old.
I would understand more if this was absolutely essential for your job but it's not is it? You said it yourself, you aren't going to learn anything new from it. All you're getting is your 'trained fitter' badge and you don't care about that anyway.
Saying that - I don't know whether I'm projecting my anger with you about other things onto this. At the end of the day, I know this isn't actually a big deal. You can't ACTUALLY help that your work decided that instead of you waiting for a closer place for the course you have to do it in Stroud and leave home early/come home late. That's not your fault.
Maybe I should try and find what I'm really angry with you for. I know I am angry with you but it's for so many things, it's easier to just pretend I'm not. I'm angry about all the times you've tried to set up for me to see Alice without actually asking me if I want to see her. I don't at the moment. I don't want to see anyone that much. That's why I'm putting off seeing my Dad. That's why I said that Tehya wasn't well enough to see your Dad. It was nothing to do with Tehya. I just don't feel like leaving the house at the moment.
Besides I also thought your Dad was incredibly cheeky to think we would walk to his house. It's twenty minutes away and we would be bringing a two week old (less!) baby girl with us. If he'd really wanted us to come surely he could have offered us a lift or something. I really couldn't care less that he doesn't have a car with more than two seats. He shouldn't just expect me to jump to his selfish requests. I hate the way you were seriously considering going up there as an option. I hate the way you still jump when he asks you to do something no matter how ridiculous. I hate the way you don't put what I would want first.
I didn't want your Dad coming to visit in hospital. You should have known that I wouldn't. I don't like your Dad - I know Tehya's his Granddaughter but that's not really my problem. I would honestly rather she didn't have any Grandparents at the moment - less people with a sense of entitlement to seeing her. When I was in hospital I was stressed out trying to take care of a newborn for the first time. I really didn't need to see someone I don't particularly like at the best of times.
So there you go. That's one reason I'm REALLY angry with you. I feel like you don't do enough to protect me and assume too much about what I will and won't want.
I mean there are other things. You know that don't you. I'm fairly sure you know I keep things from you. I don't mean to - I really don't. I just find it really hard to express myself so instead of expressing myself to your face I end up bottling things, or talking to Alice, or writing this blog.
The thing is, I'm starting to feel like Alice doesn't understand properly either. That's part of the reason I don't want to see her. I'm fairly certain the only reason I feel like that is because she doesn't always say what I want her to but I don't feel like she understands.
And then there's the things I can't tell Alice. I can't tell her that at the moment I feel like you're pressuring me to have sex with you again. I want to, I really do but I just don't feel ready yet. It's only been two weeks since we had our little girl and I don't really feel back to normal yet. We tried it the other day (mainly to shut you up!) but it was just too sore. You've stopped asking but the way you act around me makes it perfectly clear that you still want it.
It's making me feel horrible - like all you want from me is sex. I know it's not, I know you're just trying to get back to normal but right now I feel like things will never really go back to normal. The worst is probably the fact I don't feel like I can refuse you or ask you not to touch me. Sometimes I want to kiss you and have it just be that, kissing. Not making out, not touching each other, just affectionate kisses. Sometimes what I want from you is just a little bit of affection - a hug, a light kiss - not being sexual.
I don't think you've really realised that. What I want a lot of the time is to spend some time snuggled up to you but when I try to you often try to make it sexual. I know I need to talk to you but the amount of things we need to talk about is just stacking up and I can't hit you with it all in one go, it just wouldn't be fair.
We have so many issues but I want to be with you, I really do. I have to decide what matters to me most - which issue needs to be brought up as a priority and bite the bullet and do it.
...because at this point it's either do that or stand there watching our relationship fall apart but not do anything about it. That's what I've been doing for now, and look how it's stacked up.
I wish there was an easy way to fix everything.
Love,
Vikkii
I'm slightly pissed off that you agreed to go to Stroud today for your work training course - I know you got tricked into signing for going to it but I wish you'd thought about how hard today would be looking after Tehya on my own. I wish you were stronger - found it easier to tell people that you don't want or can't do things.
If it helps - I don't know why I'm talking like you read this, you don't! - I'm also angry with your supervisor for tricking you into signing for it, especially considering you have a new baby daughter who's only two weeks old.
I would understand more if this was absolutely essential for your job but it's not is it? You said it yourself, you aren't going to learn anything new from it. All you're getting is your 'trained fitter' badge and you don't care about that anyway.
Saying that - I don't know whether I'm projecting my anger with you about other things onto this. At the end of the day, I know this isn't actually a big deal. You can't ACTUALLY help that your work decided that instead of you waiting for a closer place for the course you have to do it in Stroud and leave home early/come home late. That's not your fault.
Maybe I should try and find what I'm really angry with you for. I know I am angry with you but it's for so many things, it's easier to just pretend I'm not. I'm angry about all the times you've tried to set up for me to see Alice without actually asking me if I want to see her. I don't at the moment. I don't want to see anyone that much. That's why I'm putting off seeing my Dad. That's why I said that Tehya wasn't well enough to see your Dad. It was nothing to do with Tehya. I just don't feel like leaving the house at the moment.
Besides I also thought your Dad was incredibly cheeky to think we would walk to his house. It's twenty minutes away and we would be bringing a two week old (less!) baby girl with us. If he'd really wanted us to come surely he could have offered us a lift or something. I really couldn't care less that he doesn't have a car with more than two seats. He shouldn't just expect me to jump to his selfish requests. I hate the way you were seriously considering going up there as an option. I hate the way you still jump when he asks you to do something no matter how ridiculous. I hate the way you don't put what I would want first.
I didn't want your Dad coming to visit in hospital. You should have known that I wouldn't. I don't like your Dad - I know Tehya's his Granddaughter but that's not really my problem. I would honestly rather she didn't have any Grandparents at the moment - less people with a sense of entitlement to seeing her. When I was in hospital I was stressed out trying to take care of a newborn for the first time. I really didn't need to see someone I don't particularly like at the best of times.
So there you go. That's one reason I'm REALLY angry with you. I feel like you don't do enough to protect me and assume too much about what I will and won't want.
I mean there are other things. You know that don't you. I'm fairly sure you know I keep things from you. I don't mean to - I really don't. I just find it really hard to express myself so instead of expressing myself to your face I end up bottling things, or talking to Alice, or writing this blog.
The thing is, I'm starting to feel like Alice doesn't understand properly either. That's part of the reason I don't want to see her. I'm fairly certain the only reason I feel like that is because she doesn't always say what I want her to but I don't feel like she understands.
And then there's the things I can't tell Alice. I can't tell her that at the moment I feel like you're pressuring me to have sex with you again. I want to, I really do but I just don't feel ready yet. It's only been two weeks since we had our little girl and I don't really feel back to normal yet. We tried it the other day (mainly to shut you up!) but it was just too sore. You've stopped asking but the way you act around me makes it perfectly clear that you still want it.
It's making me feel horrible - like all you want from me is sex. I know it's not, I know you're just trying to get back to normal but right now I feel like things will never really go back to normal. The worst is probably the fact I don't feel like I can refuse you or ask you not to touch me. Sometimes I want to kiss you and have it just be that, kissing. Not making out, not touching each other, just affectionate kisses. Sometimes what I want from you is just a little bit of affection - a hug, a light kiss - not being sexual.
I don't think you've really realised that. What I want a lot of the time is to spend some time snuggled up to you but when I try to you often try to make it sexual. I know I need to talk to you but the amount of things we need to talk about is just stacking up and I can't hit you with it all in one go, it just wouldn't be fair.
We have so many issues but I want to be with you, I really do. I have to decide what matters to me most - which issue needs to be brought up as a priority and bite the bullet and do it.
...because at this point it's either do that or stand there watching our relationship fall apart but not do anything about it. That's what I've been doing for now, and look how it's stacked up.
I wish there was an easy way to fix everything.
Love,
Vikkii
Friday 30 March 2012
Jack - Letter Eight
Jack,
Sometimes I just feel so alone. Sometimes it's like I could be in the same room as you and yet you still just don't see things.
I told Allie and she said that I'll always have her but it doesn't help. No matter who's around, sometimes it's like I'm doing everything alone. Like I said to her, Tehya's the easiest thing in my life right now and a huge distraction from everything else.
You don't even seem to realise that everything in my life apart from my beautiful baby girl is starting to seriously get to me. No one realises.
And that's why I feel alone. Because at the end of the day there's all these thoughts swirling round my head and I'm not really sharing them with anyone because no one's there. Sure, they're all there in person but no one seems to really realise. And you don't Jack. That's the worst part for me. You're supposed to love me, but you don't seem to realise that you've caused me pain. You don't seem to realise that I'm struggling to handle things between my warring parents. You don't seem to realise that although I'm agreeing to things like seeing your Dad, I don't actually want to do them. I just want to do the right thing for you and the right thing for you would be allowing your father to see his new granddaughter. God knows, I don't want to go. I dislike your Dad, think he's a selfish git and honestly want him as far away from my baby girl as he can get.
You seem to forgive him so easily but he treats you and everyone else like crap. He's never interested in things unless they're for his own gain and I don't want to be around him. But I have to be. I have to allow him to see my baby, I have to be polite to him, laugh at his 'jokes' when all they are are thinly veiled insults. I have to sacrifice for other people.
Love,
Vikkii
Sometimes I just feel so alone. Sometimes it's like I could be in the same room as you and yet you still just don't see things.
I told Allie and she said that I'll always have her but it doesn't help. No matter who's around, sometimes it's like I'm doing everything alone. Like I said to her, Tehya's the easiest thing in my life right now and a huge distraction from everything else.
You don't even seem to realise that everything in my life apart from my beautiful baby girl is starting to seriously get to me. No one realises.
And that's why I feel alone. Because at the end of the day there's all these thoughts swirling round my head and I'm not really sharing them with anyone because no one's there. Sure, they're all there in person but no one seems to really realise. And you don't Jack. That's the worst part for me. You're supposed to love me, but you don't seem to realise that you've caused me pain. You don't seem to realise that I'm struggling to handle things between my warring parents. You don't seem to realise that although I'm agreeing to things like seeing your Dad, I don't actually want to do them. I just want to do the right thing for you and the right thing for you would be allowing your father to see his new granddaughter. God knows, I don't want to go. I dislike your Dad, think he's a selfish git and honestly want him as far away from my baby girl as he can get.
You seem to forgive him so easily but he treats you and everyone else like crap. He's never interested in things unless they're for his own gain and I don't want to be around him. But I have to be. I have to allow him to see my baby, I have to be polite to him, laugh at his 'jokes' when all they are are thinly veiled insults. I have to sacrifice for other people.
Love,
Vikkii
Jack - Letter Seven
Jack,
You lied to me yesterday. Lied right to my face. You DO talk about our sex life to other people. I know you do and I have proof. Proof I got by signing into your Skype sure, but proof all the same.
I just don't understand why you felt the need to lie. You know that occasionally I discuss our sex life with Alice so why you felt like you couldn't tell me you'd discussed it with Aimee is beyond me. I guess it's because you know in your heart of hearts that the whole conversation you two had was wrong wrong wrong.
Otherwise why would you need to hide it? If you truely thought I wouldn't mind, that it wouldn't hurt me at all you could have told me.
You didn't even realise that I was upset after you'd lied. You didn't realise anything was up at all, despite the fact I barely spoke to you at all on the way to school. Sometimes I feel like you don't ever notice when I need you. I feel like I have to spell it out to you, and then sometimes you just run away anyway, right when I need you most.
You need to be able to take the fact that I'm upset without running away like a little kid, and you really seem to struggle with that. Your first response is always to run off to deal with it on your own, right when I want to talk things out and make them better.
Maybe that's why I haven't brought it up with you yet. I know you'll run away from talking about it, and I want to postpone the frustration and hurt that you can't just face up to it like a man. I want to postpone the fact that I will know that instead of facing up to things and making me feel better, you'll decide you're 'going for a walk' again to save talking about it.
I don't want to do that anymore. It's very tempting to just save the pain and let things go, because I hate it when you shut off like that.
Love,
Vikkii
You lied to me yesterday. Lied right to my face. You DO talk about our sex life to other people. I know you do and I have proof. Proof I got by signing into your Skype sure, but proof all the same.
I just don't understand why you felt the need to lie. You know that occasionally I discuss our sex life with Alice so why you felt like you couldn't tell me you'd discussed it with Aimee is beyond me. I guess it's because you know in your heart of hearts that the whole conversation you two had was wrong wrong wrong.
Otherwise why would you need to hide it? If you truely thought I wouldn't mind, that it wouldn't hurt me at all you could have told me.
You didn't even realise that I was upset after you'd lied. You didn't realise anything was up at all, despite the fact I barely spoke to you at all on the way to school. Sometimes I feel like you don't ever notice when I need you. I feel like I have to spell it out to you, and then sometimes you just run away anyway, right when I need you most.
You need to be able to take the fact that I'm upset without running away like a little kid, and you really seem to struggle with that. Your first response is always to run off to deal with it on your own, right when I want to talk things out and make them better.
Maybe that's why I haven't brought it up with you yet. I know you'll run away from talking about it, and I want to postpone the frustration and hurt that you can't just face up to it like a man. I want to postpone the fact that I will know that instead of facing up to things and making me feel better, you'll decide you're 'going for a walk' again to save talking about it.
I don't want to do that anymore. It's very tempting to just save the pain and let things go, because I hate it when you shut off like that.
Love,
Vikkii
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Jack - Letter Six
Jack,
This is the second letter I've written to you today. I've become surprisingly vengeful recently. I really hate the person this is turning me into. I didn't like her anyway, she is your ex after all but since I saw I'm starting to really really hate her.
She keeps posting on things to do with our new baby girl and it's starting to taint it for me. I wish she'd just fuck off and leave me, you and Tehya alone but I know I'm being unfair. She's your friend still, you were friends way before I even knew you and I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who forces you to stop seeing people.
So I won't be, even if it would make me feel better. Part of me would like it if you were cut off from all of your ex girlfriend's completely, instead of still having them on social networking sites and Skype. I know it's unreasonable though so I'm not going to make an issue out of it if it kills me.
Love,
Vikkii
This is the second letter I've written to you today. I've become surprisingly vengeful recently. I really hate the person this is turning me into. I didn't like her anyway, she is your ex after all but since I saw I'm starting to really really hate her.
She keeps posting on things to do with our new baby girl and it's starting to taint it for me. I wish she'd just fuck off and leave me, you and Tehya alone but I know I'm being unfair. She's your friend still, you were friends way before I even knew you and I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who forces you to stop seeing people.
So I won't be, even if it would make me feel better. Part of me would like it if you were cut off from all of your ex girlfriend's completely, instead of still having them on social networking sites and Skype. I know it's unreasonable though so I'm not going to make an issue out of it if it kills me.
Love,
Vikkii
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