Jack,
I'm slightly pissed off that you agreed to go to Stroud today for your work training course - I know you got tricked into signing for going to it but I wish you'd thought about how hard today would be looking after Tehya on my own. I wish you were stronger - found it easier to tell people that you don't want or can't do things.
If it helps - I don't know why I'm talking like you read this, you don't! - I'm also angry with your supervisor for tricking you into signing for it, especially considering you have a new baby daughter who's only two weeks old.
I would understand more if this was absolutely essential for your job but it's not is it? You said it yourself, you aren't going to learn anything new from it. All you're getting is your 'trained fitter' badge and you don't care about that anyway.
Saying that - I don't know whether I'm projecting my anger with you about other things onto this. At the end of the day, I know this isn't actually a big deal. You can't ACTUALLY help that your work decided that instead of you waiting for a closer place for the course you have to do it in Stroud and leave home early/come home late. That's not your fault.
Maybe I should try and find what I'm really angry with you for. I know I am angry with you but it's for so many things, it's easier to just pretend I'm not. I'm angry about all the times you've tried to set up for me to see Alice without actually asking me if I want to see her. I don't at the moment. I don't want to see anyone that much. That's why I'm putting off seeing my Dad. That's why I said that Tehya wasn't well enough to see your Dad. It was nothing to do with Tehya. I just don't feel like leaving the house at the moment.
Besides I also thought your Dad was incredibly cheeky to think we would walk to his house. It's twenty minutes away and we would be bringing a two week old (less!) baby girl with us. If he'd really wanted us to come surely he could have offered us a lift or something. I really couldn't care less that he doesn't have a car with more than two seats. He shouldn't just expect me to jump to his selfish requests. I hate the way you were seriously considering going up there as an option. I hate the way you still jump when he asks you to do something no matter how ridiculous. I hate the way you don't put what I would want first.
I didn't want your Dad coming to visit in hospital. You should have known that I wouldn't. I don't like your Dad - I know Tehya's his Granddaughter but that's not really my problem. I would honestly rather she didn't have any Grandparents at the moment - less people with a sense of entitlement to seeing her. When I was in hospital I was stressed out trying to take care of a newborn for the first time. I really didn't need to see someone I don't particularly like at the best of times.
So there you go. That's one reason I'm REALLY angry with you. I feel like you don't do enough to protect me and assume too much about what I will and won't want.
I mean there are other things. You know that don't you. I'm fairly sure you know I keep things from you. I don't mean to - I really don't. I just find it really hard to express myself so instead of expressing myself to your face I end up bottling things, or talking to Alice, or writing this blog.
The thing is, I'm starting to feel like Alice doesn't understand properly either. That's part of the reason I don't want to see her. I'm fairly certain the only reason I feel like that is because she doesn't always say what I want her to but I don't feel like she understands.
And then there's the things I can't tell Alice. I can't tell her that at the moment I feel like you're pressuring me to have sex with you again. I want to, I really do but I just don't feel ready yet. It's only been two weeks since we had our little girl and I don't really feel back to normal yet. We tried it the other day (mainly to shut you up!) but it was just too sore. You've stopped asking but the way you act around me makes it perfectly clear that you still want it.
It's making me feel horrible - like all you want from me is sex. I know it's not, I know you're just trying to get back to normal but right now I feel like things will never really go back to normal. The worst is probably the fact I don't feel like I can refuse you or ask you not to touch me. Sometimes I want to kiss you and have it just be that, kissing. Not making out, not touching each other, just affectionate kisses. Sometimes what I want from you is just a little bit of affection - a hug, a light kiss - not being sexual.
I don't think you've really realised that. What I want a lot of the time is to spend some time snuggled up to you but when I try to you often try to make it sexual. I know I need to talk to you but the amount of things we need to talk about is just stacking up and I can't hit you with it all in one go, it just wouldn't be fair.
We have so many issues but I want to be with you, I really do. I have to decide what matters to me most - which issue needs to be brought up as a priority and bite the bullet and do it.
...because at this point it's either do that or stand there watching our relationship fall apart but not do anything about it. That's what I've been doing for now, and look how it's stacked up.
I wish there was an easy way to fix everything.
Love,
Vikkii
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